Red Light Green Light
by CraftyNotepad
Summary: Curtis the caveman crosses the street.


Disclaimer: Can somebody please check the lost-and-found for my ownership papers to Phil of the Future? Silly me, I seem to have misplaced them.

Red Light Green Light

There was a hefty knock at the Diffys' front door. Lloyd Diffy was about to reveal who was on the other side when he heard his ever-lovin's sharp tone, "Lloyd, what did we talk about?"

Lloyd was clueless.

"Pants, Lloyd. Pants?" clarified Barbara, her gaze supporting her response.

"Ri-i-ight. Gotcha. Say, Honey, why don't you get the door this time, while I go, you know?"

"Good idea." Barb loved her goofball. The knocking returned. "Coming."

"Good morning, Ma'am. Sorry to bother you, but do you know this individual?" questioned the officer. Beside her was a disoriented, shaggy-haired individual, about as 'individual' as one gets in Pickford.

"Hi Barb. Curtis having bad day, (whimper)," offered the caveman.

"Curtis! Yes, Officer - what happened, Curtis - I know him. He's my ... cousin ... from far, far up North."

"Guess that explains the furs. Anyway, it seems you 'cousin' is having a little trouble following traffic signals."

"Yeah," agreed Curtis.

"Oh, Officer, that couldn't be. Curtis doesn't even drive. You weren't driving, were you, Curtis. Tell me you weren't driving."

"Curtis no drive," Curtis assured her with a weak smile, which actually offered Barb with little solace. Obviously, there was more to this story.

"It was more a traffic violation of a pedestrian nature, Ma'am."

"There are laws in this century about how a person can walk? That seems so 20th Century, Officer, so un-American. Is this about being politically correct, I mean, just how can there be a wrong way to walk?"

"Perhaps your cousin would like to explain?"

Barbara Diffy's mouth opened somewhat as she now looked at Cousin Curtis the caveman. Instinctually, C-Man imitated her expression in his attempt to be empathetic. Around ten seconds later, he realized that this wasn't working out as it should, so he resorted to speaking.

Now, what would Phil or Pim say? No, Curtis think like Lloyd! "Um, Honey, Curtis walk to hardware store."

A bit taken back by his calling her "Honey," Barbara attempted to roll with the punches because the badge was there listening. What was taking her husband so long just to put on a pair of his pants? "Like you do with your 'Cousin' Lloyd?"

"Yeah." Curtis was satisfied that she understood, so he stopped talking and plastered a happy grin on his face. It was going to be a race to see which lady would prompt him to go on.

"Comin' through!" Pim declared as she ran down the stairs. Spotting the Law, she reversed direction, "Never mind." If the officer had her speed gun out, she would have recorded that the youngest Diffy didn't actually go back up as quickly as she came down the staircase. Now, while a courtroom judge might have taken the pull of gravity into account, it wasn't significant enough to delay the diminutive Diffy. No, Pim was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for her mother to bellow, "Pim Diffy! You get back here this instant!" Can't blame Pim; historically, that was what should have happened. Instead, almost at a turtle's pace, Pim crossed the finish line into the symbolic safety of her bedroom.

Lloyd's bride won the prompting contest and Curtis continued, "Ah, Curtis no see Lloyd. Curtis walk with Curtis. Man with yellow hat say Curtis can no walk on sidewalk. Man dig. Make Curtis go 'round hole. Curtis go new way to store." Now, Curtis hear voice, think maybe Spirit of Wind, kuz it pushy."

"Spirit of Wind?" the officer repeated, to make certain she had heard correctly.

Barbara laughed nervously, then asked, "Where were you?"

"Sidewalk end. Curtis at road. Voice order Curtis to 'walk.' Curtis already walking - that why Curtis think voice stupid Wind." Curtis ducked, looking up at the sky, anticipating angry retribution from the airy spirit for his callousness. If the Wind was listening, it seemed to be letting him get away with the insult. "So, Curtis walk more. Stupid Wind." Less ducking this time. "Then voice change mind. Say 'Don't Walk.' Me tell voice, 'Curtis will walk.' Voice say, 'Don't Walk.' Me shout, 'Curtis Will Walk!' Then, oh this scary part, voice say, 'Don't Walk' - then start beeping at Curtis. So, Me do what voice say, Me no walk. Me run! Curtis run like wolf."

"That's when I spotted you," chimed in the officer.

"You tell Curtis 'Walk.' Me tell you 'Voice tell Curtis "Don't Walk." Listen.' Voice say "Don't walk. Curtis no walk. Then you say 'Stop." Curtis stop, but Voice say "Walk." Curtis walk. You shout "Stop!" Voice say "Walk" and start beeping at Curtis again. Curtis scared of beeping, So Curtis climb tree with no leaves."

"Telephone pole."

"I see," nodded Barbara. "Where do we go from here, Officer?"

"It took twenty minutes to talk him down off that pole. He was terrified. I think he even puddled in the back of my cruiser." Curtis shyly grinned until Barbara's "mom" face cut him short. "I just wanted to see that he made it home safely."

"Thank you ever so much, Officer Teslow. Oh, my son has a friend by that name. I wonder if -"

"My niece. I've kept an eye on the two of them, too. That's part of the reason I decided to bring your cousin home personally - I wanted to meet you."

"Oh."

Officer Teslow laughed, "No worries. With Phil around, I don't have to worry about Keely. Cute couple." Barbara nodded in agreement, drawing her "cousin" inside with relief.

"Well, thank you again. This was very kind of you," wrapped up Barbara as she started closing the door in response to the policewoman spinning around to leave.

"Oh, by the way, do you know that your daughter roams the neighborhood early in the morning?"

"No, no, I didn't Officer. I'll be sure to sit Pim down and talk to her about that."

"Thank you. Probably not the safest time to be outside, especially with these pet disappearances we've had the last few months."

"Good advice. Thanks again. Bye."

Good officer, that Teslow. Her radar had picked up that something more was amiss at the Diffys' residence. She scratched down a few notes in her pad, including the time of day, the daughter's name, and the last few words she could make out as the door closed: "Curtis." "Oops. My bad." "Lloyd!"


End file.
